andreaelleng

		I will marry Chris Pine.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Portland, Oregon in our fabulous House.
		We will have 1 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Yellow Range Rover.
		I will spend my days as a Politician, and live happily ever after.

So... I have no problems continuing to post memes here.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next seven sentences in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

(I was actually next to a bookshelf, so I picked the one sticking out the most)

Jag Fel's voice that answered: "Yes?"
"Were you just going to walk past?  Not even say hello?"
"Yes."  And then he was gone, swallwed up by the Coruscant night beyond the doors.

Hands on hips, Han stood in the lounge of the vehicle now parked alongside the Millennium Falcon.  "You have got to be kidding."
"If you'll forgive me, Captain Solo," C-3PO said, "Master Calrisseian's vocal mannerisms, though laced with humor, do not suggest that his basic thesis was in jest." 

Hey guys, I've decided to move on from LiveJournal.  It's been a good run, but I'm looking for a little bit more.  Feel free to visit my new blog at my new website.  I may still stop by now and then when I've got a secret post to make.  And I'll still check in on all of you!

http://web.me.com/andrea_ellen

 ...when random strangers stop to ask if you'll be okay.

My back is really awful again.  I thought I was making so much progress too, with the swimming and all that.  I got better for real for the better part of a month.  Now I can barely walk to my car from my office.  Yesterday I felt like I was getting a lot of dirty looks from people, so I started getting really self conscious about it.  Today I'm getting looks of pity. 

I locked up in the middle of the parking lot at International Delights today, and Joe had to go get the car for me.  It wasn't that I couldn't move at all; it was just that if I did move, I was sure I would collapse.  When I was leaving my office to go to the car, I was moving so slowly and painfully that this guy I held the door for as I was exiting the building stopped to ask if I'd be okay.  I told him I was on my way to the chiropractor.

Then at the chiropractor, he was immediately concerned.  I really like this guy, I think he's a really good person.  Well, anyway, today took a little bit more work and it was a lot of pain.  He's not the kind of chiropractor who contorts you into weird positions and pops random joints; he uses an instrument to target problem spots and readjust your body very carefully.  But still, today was more painful than ever.

Then when I got back to the office I had a professor who watched me walk in come into my office and ask if I should even be here.  But I've got a review in a class tonight and I figure I might as well not have to move myself here back to my apartment and then back to class later on tonight, when my office is three doors down from the classroom.

So here I am... come visit me... bring ice for my back.

 Yes, I do indeed have it.  I slept for probably around nine hours... maybe eight.  Yet I need some sort of pick-me-up.  I need an Iced Venti Soy Chai from Starbucks... generally I try not to let myself get so addicted, but it happened right under my nose.  Actually, all I can think about right no is napping... but there's more to be done today.  I'd better go get that chai while I still have time.

PS: I also found out today I'm getting having a MRI on Friday for my back.  More about that later, though...

Okay, so it hasn't been a full year yet, but Joe and I are at the 11 month mark. We're certainly not making a big deal out of it, but I am excited for our actual anniversary. We'll probably end up at Risotto's again, one of our favorite places with Mediterranean food and delicious wine.

Things are going swimmingly. I dealt with some of the Model UN stuff that was stressing me out. I had to build this website, and I finished it with another guy's help last week. I've felt like I've had free time since then, even though I haven't really. Just the fact of that being lifted off of my shoulders really helped. I had to write my position paper this last week. I had planned to have it worked on over a period of time, but that website really put a damper on my progress. So I started it on Friday (it's due today, Monday), and it turned out to be really easy to write. Perhaps when I get it back, I'll have lots of pen markings telling me what to fix (it's a first draft), but at least it didn't cause me too much stress. I think experience and a little maturity have given me a better sense of security in dealing with these things. Paper writing is becoming much less of a hassle. And another thing is that I am usually too concise in my position papers- I'm usually the only person with one that's too short rather than too long. That makes it difficult to edit. But this time I went WAY over my limit... so take that!

My back has been a problem again. I'm going to see a chiropractor later today.

What else... oh!

I've been swimming a lot a lot a lot lately, and it is right up there on the same level as dance as far as favorite exercise now. If you, my readership, didn't already know, Joe used to swim competitively. For most of his life, in fact. He's also a natural teacher and has been teaching people to swim for a long time now. So I'm taking advantage of that and taking real classes from him. I mean, I grew up with a pool in my backyard, but I never learned the technique of the different strokes. Anyway, I'm getting muscley and tan and it's only been a month. I wouldn't say I've lost a lot of weight, but I do feel a lot healthier, which is a better goal in my opinion.

Wedding planning is truckin' on too. I wrote up a big email list for my bridesmaids and my mom this weekend saying what has been accomplished and what still needs to be done. It actually came out to be a pretty good list of things that are already done. I'm particularly proud that I got invitations with a huge discount (like, $40/50 discount) that made it possible for me to spend a little bit more money on pretty seals that say "Andrea & Joe" or something on them (I was trying to stay within a $200 budget, and yes, it is possible!).

IN case you didn't know or I didn't mention it, I got a new computer a couple weeks ago. It is just amazing. I'm really happy with it. I wish I could incorporate LiveJournal into a web style that this computer came with because it would be so pretty then... in fact, I'm going to go play around with that right now.

See you later!

We're well into week three of graduate school now, and things are going swimmingly.  I've noticed, however, a marked difference in myself: I'm willing to be more responsible, to step up to the plate, and really, truly worry about things that I let fall by the wayside in the past.  It feels good to act a little more grown up.

That being said, I do have a lot swimming around in my head now.  

Firstly, but maybe not taking precedence, is that I'm feeling a bit abandoned by a friend lately.  It would be rude to call him out by name, but it is a guy, which I think gives some of you a big clue.  Joe made it sound as if this friend stopped may have stopped talking to me largely because of my relationship with Joe.  I said, "It's never been like that between us, though," to which Joe said that it's hard to know what he might have been feeling.  I still doubt that I'm an object of affection in such a way, but I'm still bothered by the idea that because I'm engaged to Joe, very old friends might not feel comfortable talking to me.  Joe also pointed out that we don't really have anything in common.  That's probably true, and if that's the case, it's really very sad.


Another thing I've been worried about is my place in Model UN.  This will be my fourth year on the team, and this is the first time I haven't started out the year as an organizing officer.  I'm doing quite a lot this semester to help keep things organized where the officers have otherwise fallen short, but I think my actions at the conference last year have somewhat tainted their view of me.  I'm worried they think of me as volatile for some reason; that by dealing with me they might get dirty.  I'm trying to show everyone that they need not worry about me.  I guess partially I'm feeling like I should have been elected to one of the positions (I ran for pres and vice pres and was not chosen), because I know what should be going down.  They only elected one person with experience to their executive board, and she's the secretary and was not involved with the organization last fall and was not a part of it the fall before that because she wasn't an officer then.

I was told on Friday at a meeting that applications would be due Monday, September 15- but they don't even have applications ready!  Someone was supposed to work on them this weekend, but we didn't see anything, so yesterday the new Treasurer and I got together to work on it.  It was not received well by all members of the team, specifically the one who was supposed to have worked on it.  Then yesterday, I was reminded by people outside of the organization that we usually have an informational session before we make applications due.  That hasn't happened, and when I went to speak to the faculty advisor, he was surprised that nothing had been done about it.  ...  Like I said, I'm just feeling like I wish I had a little more control over the situation, because I know what is supposed to be happening.

And the ironic part?  I'm going to have fill out an application to be on the New York team, even though I interviewed some of the people who will now be interviewing me and going over my application.  I'm not worried, and I guess I'm not even angry.  It's just a weird situation; I helped write the application that will be my gateway to getting on that team.  But the cool part?  Joe's trying out for the team!


Being a graduate student has been super fun.  I'm finding I really enjoy my two officemates a lot.  Lior is particularly funny and when we're not trying to cram for our Political Theory class, we have a great time joking around.  I actually relish my office hours because I get to hang out with some pretty decent guys and read for a class I find more interesting than almost all of my undergrad classes combined.  My classes are also awesome.  Model UN is easy for me, or it ought to be, as I've done this three times before.  But now, like I said, I worry more, so I'm actually making life a little harder for myself than I probably need to.  I have two classes on Wednesday evenings, and one of them is supposed to be really difficult... but so far.. easy.  Political theory is really my best class.  I wish you were all able to come to it!

I would really like to leave my Pier 1 job, but it keeps pulling me back.  It's the curse of having a decent blue-collar job.  I have the white-collar job with the office and the research and all that, but I still need a little more money to keep going.  I've been convinced lately that I could leave my PIer 1 job without being in dire need, but they keep scheduling me and I can't find it in me to tell them no.  I'm good at the job, and they think so too.  It's just a hassle, so far as scheduling goes.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go catch some lunch.

You know how I know? When he wakes me up in the morning or from the rare nap, I can't help but smile to see his face smiling at me. Waking up in the morning is not a pretty task for me, so I can't help but being a bit salty. But seeing him gives me a sense of contentment.


School's going great, too. I'm really enjoying spending time in my office, and my officemates are really cool (although right now they're discussing MMA/UFC stuff). My class on political theory is going to be simply awesome- Dr. Butler never fails to start strong at the beginning of every semester. I'm disappointed I'll have to miss two weeks' worth of it for Model UN stuff... but Model UN is cool too! Can't wait to go to China.

Anyway, I can't really focus on typing this right now because Lior and Austin are still going on about these fighters!

Well! Here I am in my office, with a desk and computer and chair. The last few days have been kind of fun getting ready to start my new job. I've also been free of the blue-collar workforce for a week and a half now because of my trip to Oregon and Pier 1's flexibility with my schedule here at NMSU. So I haven't done anything retail-wise for a while now and it feels really good.

On Monday, Mandy, Corey, and I (along with maybe 300 or 400 other grad students) went to the most ridiculous orientation of all time. I had the foresight to take a puzzle book that was very, very entertaining. A lot of other people were reportedly falling asleep and all. There were a couple really good speakers, like the guy who taught about teaching, and the lady who tried to give us an idea of what life would be like for grad students (although she did name-drop a lot). But there were a couple people who really had no idea how to speak to a large group of people.

The next day I went to my departmental orientation, which was a lot more of the stuff I wanted to know- where my office would be, who I would be working for... but it's all figured out now. I'm in Breland 354 and I have two officemates. They're two guys, named Lior and Austin. I've only seen Austin once and he hasn't been around since. Lior is really cool. His dad is Dr. Lapid, who I've taken classes with, and that also makes him Talia's brother, and I know her from Model UN. He's cool in his own right, though: he was an Israeli junior chess champion twice, went to school at Columbia for a while, and is very funny.

I am working for Professor Seckler, who is a college associate professor. She doesn't have her doctorate, but she has a Master's and a law degree. She's apparently had a lot of experience with the New Mexico legislature. I took Congress and the Legislative Process with her last semester. She was actually one of my top choices of people to work with. I think I may be attending the classes she teaches too, since they'll be useful for me. I met with her yesterday and I get weird vibes from her. Sometimes I feel like she's been patronizing or judgmental, but other times, she'll be very complimentary and friendly. She has actual work for me to do, which I'm excited for. I'm just looking forward to being in the office and helping out.

Anyway, if you're an Aggie (or just visiting campus) feel free to stop by my office! I'm going to go buy some snacks for the office now.

Here is what I'm looking forward to in the next six months or less!

1. Moving out of the Grove, which means: no more flooded bedroom, no more stinky water, no more ridiculously bright lights outside my bedroom window, no more loud music at all hours of the night, access to the Disney Channel (should I so choose), things in general not falling apart, better internet access... you get the idea.

2. Moving into the Pavilions, which means: personal outdoor access (our own porch), choice on cable and internet, a kitchen with a lot of room, a whole laundry room that we can close off, not-smelly water!, my new couch and furniture that we bought recently!!, and in general getting away from the dumbasses at the Grove.

3. Joe coming back, which will coincide with us moving into our new apartment! I don't think I need to explain what this means! In a word: happiness.

4. Our trip to Oregon, which means: seeing the Pacific Northwest in summer, visiting people who were just my boyfriend's family when I saw them last... now they are going to be MY family too, figuring out the boundaries between me and Joe and the family!, hiking, seeing more of where he grew up (including the pool), and lots more.

5. Starting grad school, which means: working a lot harder at school! I've found that after four years in any institution, it gets easier.. but the first year can be rocky. At least there won't be too much of a learning curve with my professors.

6. Additionally, starting my graduate assistantship, which will be my second job. This is the first time I will have two jobs at once. I'm looking forward to working with any professor fairly closely and having an office to study/work/hang out in.

7. The Elections, including the big one for President. We could have a very different world a year from now. (Or we could have one fairly similar.)

8. Preparing for the Model UN banquet, which will be bigger than ever. The other day I sat next to a former ambassador, who is heading up NMSU's International Relations Institute, and is also a boardmember for Kodak. He's helping us raise money by bringing in other huge fundraiser organizers, and so I am paired up to work with fairly important people and make this thing fantastic, because...

9. I'm going to China in late November for two weeks! Our Model UN team is doing better than ever, and we're getting lots of backing to go to Xi'an, and the trip will also take us to Beijing and have us learning some Chinese culture and language. It will also be my first trip to another country. It will be one of the greatest experiences of my life, I think, seeing such a different world from the one I am used to. Oh, and also, the conference will be great! I am representing Indonesia by myself on the General Assembly Plenary committee.

10. If you haven't heard by now, I'm getting married!! in December. I am looking forward to the celebrations of the day, for one... I can't wait to get a little dolled up and dancing! And many beautiful photographs. But also, it means that my family will come to me, as they have done very rarely. Being in the southwest and having very little other family in the area means that we've had to visit them in Illinois or wherever more often than they've come to us. I miss them more than I can bring myself to say when I see them, so it will mean a lot to me when they come. And also, honeymoon! As for what to do with that... not sure. But it'll be fun no matter what we do.


And that's pretty much it for the coming six months. I'm hoping all the changes will be for the better!,

Well, *sigh*. I'm posting here in an attempt to calm down.

I have been at it for a while today. I got up fairly early (for a Saturday, 10am) after getting to sleep late. The reason for that is this cricket that I think may be residing in the corner behind a dresser I can't move in my bedroom. And it doesn't make a cute "chirp, chirp" sound. It goes "CHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP" for like two or three minutes, takes a breath, and then gets going again. So when that finally stopped, I slept. But this morning, it was raining! And I wanted to be sure to be awake so as not to miss it. Oh, how misguided I was.

Well, I planned to get down to work on cleaning first thing this morning, but that didn't happen. You see, I need to clean, before I can pack, so that I can clean again. I ended up just taking a little extra time getting ready for work. Once I got to work, you better believe I was making some money for the corporate entity known as "Pier 1 Imports". I was working with customers the whole time and doing a good job, I might add. I also had a fun time joking around at work, which was a welcome relief, since a lot of changes are happening at work. Technically, even though I only started a bit over two months ago, I'm now the person who has been at this store the second-longest. I was supposed to leave at 5pm but was asked to stay til 7pm.

I got a small break, and then when I came back, I was asked to work on reorganizing/cleaning up the fake flower section. It's a strange thing to say, but I was really pleased with myself and so dedicated to getting it done that I ended up staying later than I meant to. But by the time I wanted to leave, it was raining cats and dogs. I clocked out and decided to recline on MY NEW COUCH that I bought the day before and won't have delivered til I move in to the new place later this week. It was lovely.

The rain didn't really ease up, so I left around 8pm. At that point, I got a call from Nikki. I had been intending to clean, but when she agreed to go out to sushi... I couldn't resist! We had a lovely time at The Mix, which I've decided is MUCH better than Aqua Reef, and I daresay it's the best I've had in-state. After a trip to Hastings, I dropped Nikki back off at her place, and I went home.

Michael was already asleep, and I was on the phone with Joe when I got back. We got to talking about honeymoon destinations. Here is our dilemma: we have money to do it one way or the other..: We could get a not-so-nice hotel room and DO a lot and enjoy more foods at Disneyworld, or we could get a pretty nice hotel room but not do nearly as much in terms of food (also at Disney). And we're also thinking about the Bahamas or San Diego (ZOO!). Let me know what you guys think.

After I got off of the phone with Joe around 11:30PM, I couldn't take it any longer! I NEEDED TO CLEAN! So I actually got on the yellow latex gloves and just got down to work. The bathroom is now shining, and will hopefully stop smelling so bad... but I'm afraid the smell wasn't from lack of cleaning. The pipes here and the water just seem to naturally stink, according to our maintenance guy. I could have been done after the bathroom, but I noticed that my room's carpet was getting more and more damp. As it has been raining all day, it's been flooding into my room a bit. Sooo, I ended up dealing with the majority of the trash in my room and threw away old notebooks that I don't need anymore. It all looks a lot better.

Now it's nearly 4am and I could fall asleep, but I still feel like I'm fizzing. I've been pumping out this post almost at the speed of ... well, now that made me stop. I don't know what to compare it to, but something really fast.

One shouldn't blog while angry, just like one shouldn't grocery shop while hungry. But some things just cannot wait, and I'm a bit fired up.


In your life, you will own many upgradeable, updateable items that will invariably improve your quality of life. In many cases, in fact in most, it is for the better. I don't want to sentimentalize the *things* in your life, but realize this is only a feigned attempt at an analogy.

We've seen the toy come a long way since prehistoric times, and yet somehow the stuffed animal has remained popular. We've seen the computer go from being a monster that barely anyone knew anything about to being one of the most vital parts of our society; yet people still cry for the simple days where we thought for ourselves. We've seen transportation go from a horse to a car, and yet cowboys out there today would still rather ride their horse (unless they're not rich enough, and then of course they ride a tractor).

Yet somehow, the majority of us still aren't terribly concerned with keeping what we have. We'd rather trade up.

When you decide to find something new, it's not always something younger, persay. But that's the general case. On the other hand, sometimes you just want something different. Something to shake stuff up. Sometimes it's just more convenient to get something new.

The more in-the-know Mac fans are a good example of what I am thinking of. They are usually the types of guys who buy the newest Apple product as soon as it comes out. And everyone wants to sell to this guy, because they know he'll buy it. And everyone wants to know this guy because he keeps his stuff in good condition for when he decides to resell it. He's a bit flighty in his loyalty toward any one computer, but loves the overall idea of the Mac.


Oh, screw the analogies. People can be like this with their friends. I've known these people for years and years. And sure, people move on and move out. But what ever happened to "Make new friends, but keep the old"? I know people who have told me they would my friend forever, but it only seemed to be, in hindsight, convenient. I have really admired people because they seemed so darn cool, but the idea of their friendship turned out to be much more attractive than the work it was to keep up this friendship.

Working for friendship is a worthy and lofty goal, but should never be one-sided. In some cases, I feel like I've come up just short of e-stalking people because I'm working so hard to get their attention. Clearly, these people aren't friends like they said they were. Perhaps they were acquaintances all along. When someone tells you that you'll be friends forever and then walks away, they never meant it in the first place.

Friendship is sometimes just a convenience for people. They talk about friendship in sweeping tones, but don't really care to make any commitments of loyalty. I don't know about you guys, but loyalty is a number one quality I look for in friends. And commitment is a big part of that. Not avoiding people is, too.


I have less friends than I used to. I have a few I really trust, and some of them I really truly love. But I also have one that has basically said I am not her friend at all, even though she continues to want to hang out. I have another that has to be friends with me because of our living situation. I have one, though, that I thought I was really close to. This person said we were close a year ago and that I didn't need to worry that we'd fall away from each other. I feel really betrayed when I see that this person is going out and doing things with other people, but can't be bothered to respond to a message online.

I wish I hadn't just been a convenience.

It's become apparent to me that my friend traded up, to a newer model, or at least one that was more convenient. And this person will move on after that, too. It doesn't really matter how many people this person passes through, everyone will continue to love the person.

I don't want to be bitter, and I wish I wasn't posting this. I'd rather be friends. How desperate does that make me?

Let's be real.

I'm not very good to myself, and I know it. I'm really awful about keeping this place clean. I'm so happy when it is clean, and so much more at peace. But I usually let it go to pot. Mainly because I'm lazy. Also, I don't eat well. I do an awful job of shopping for myself because I've convinced myself I don't know how to cook, or won't care to cook when the time comes. It's no surprise to me when I have my usual colitis issues or back problems. I wish I just didn't feel so lazy.

Summer is making this problem exponentially worse, too. I feel lazier every day.

I want to be better. Mainly I want to be someone Joe wants to be around. I worry when I get into ruts like this that he wouldn't like me. Usually I'm never like this when he's around... but the times in between really suck.

Someone clean my apartment and someone else make me a nice meal... something Asian sounds good.

Nothing to post tonight!  I'm leaving tomorrow!  I'm going to eat sushi with Amanda T. in Albuquerque.

And then I'm spending the rest of the weekend with JOE!!!!

Oh, I've just turned on CNN and ended up sitting in front of it longer than expected.  I have a few things to say...

1.  The likelihood of three liberal Supreme Court Justices leaving the Court in the next few years is very high.  Do you want an ultra-conservative majority there?  It's already got the simple majority, but this is important.  Keeping the playing field somewhat even is important.  McCain wants to appoint more Rehnquists, Robertses, and Alitos.  Please... vote Democratic so we can preserve at least the slightest glimmer of progressivism.

2.  Ugh.  They call Obama an elitist, which I can handle.  In fact, I even like it a little bit.  I seem to remember something in the West Wing that made me proud.  Why should a presidential candidate have to apologize for being smart?  For achieving a higher education?  For being less like a country yokel and being more like a statesman?  But here's what I have a problem with: Karl Rove is coming out as calling Obama arrogant.  I've never thought that of him, and I assume a little bit of arrogance in most people.  But what Rove said is purely speculation: "Even if you never met him, you know this guy," he said at a Capitol Hill breakfast, according to ABC. "He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone."

3.  I'm more or less pleased the Supreme Court has made a decision on guns.  No banning guns.  This is acceptable, although at my very base, I would prefer they be gone altogether.  But the debate of the 2nd amendment is too hot to say that ownership isn't a right.  What makes this decision a decent one to me is that they said states could discuss and make their own laws on gun control.  I am in favor of gun control.


In conclusion, I can't stand Karl Rove.

If you haven't seen Charlie Wilson's War, you need to go rent it.  I haven't read the book, but if you're more prone to read something instead, go pick that up.  But I'm here to talk about the movie.  I don't think this is too spoilery, so here's a synopsis (since you're probably like me and aren't quite sure what the story is about): in the 1980s, the Soviet Union was beating up on Afghanistan villagers and farmers, and it really bothered a few people: a rich, super-conservative Texas socialite, an underdog CIA agent, and a liberal Texan congressman.  They teamed up and got the Israelis to work with Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan to help beat back the Soviets.  And in convincing them, he also convinced the rest of congress to put two billion dollars forth to fund the issue as well.

I think the beginning of what made this a truly awesome movie was the screenplay writer, Aaron Sorkin.  He created and wrote The American President and of course, The West Wing (at least for the first few seasons).  The next thing that was almost as important as the writing is Tom Hanks.  Say what you will about Tom Hanks (and few will), but he's a guy who understands everyone else in the room and responds effectively.  That's what makes him such an awesome actor, I think.  He's an intelligent, adaptive comedian.  Also, Julia Roberts and Philip Seymore Hoffman were amazing.

I can't really say much more articulate on the matter.  And I'm concerned I may spoil the movie too much more than I did.  But it's really great and unbelievably pertinent to the problems we are now dealing with in Afghanistan, and even the reconstruction in Iraq.  Very telling.

Well written, well acted, well produced.  Well done!

Well, I had an awful wedding dream last night.    For some reason, I decided to get married right away- right away meaning Monday, June 23.  I called around to make sure all of my family was going to be there, but for some reason, I didn't really seem to care much about the preparation.  It was going to happen up at some pavilion by the Space Hall (a museum we have in Alamogordo).  It wasn't until I was putting on my wedding dress out behind a car that I realized I hadn't gotten anything ready for the thing!

I got so freaked out that I dropped my wedding dress in the dirt.  There was dirt all over it, and my sister Katie was there giving me a hard time for being such an idiot to drop it on the ground.  Then I decided I new I cold take a wet paper towel to it and it would clean it up, but it would take a long time.  So there I was cleaning my wedding dress in my car in the desert, hoping I would be too late for my wedding.  I finally put it on and start running to the pavilion when I see all my guests walking to their cars, not even taking a second glance at me. 

I get up to the pavilion, and luckily my close family and friends are still there.  I realize I never finalized plans on a wedding photographer.  Then I notice that Joe's family isn't there, and the people up front, including the groom, are people I don't know.  The groom, whoever he was, was laying face down with his ankles and feet hanging off the side of the stage.  I remember patting his ankles and saying "Maybe we should reschedule this" to the guests who were still there.  They were all happy, and we walked out.  And thus concludes my first wedding anxiety dream.

My BACK.

The pain I endure at random intervals has become unbearable.  I am at a point in my life where, despite a few worries, I have no reason to be anything but happy.  But on days like today, I am on the brink of tears anytime I decide to move anywhere below my ribcage.  Anyone who's known me for a while knows that I have this recurring back problem that I can't seem to shake.  And when it comes back, it comes back with a vengeance.

Today was no different.  I could feel it coming on last night.  I know that I have lots of issues with sitting too long; so traveling is an issue.  I have to be careful about what pants I wear; hip-hugging stuff is awful, but I'm tinier than all the other sizes than my hips would otherwise indicate.  And one of the things I am always told is that the more fit I can be (especially in terms of abs and my back), the less I'm going to run into problems.  But every time I do work out (I really did used to enjoy it, too), it hurts even worse afterwards.  And I can't seem to get over that hurdle.

I would really like to talk to a doctor who knows what he's talking about who won't just put me on pain killers.  I don't want a chiropractor (although they are nice).  Osteopaths are nice.  Physical therapy was awesome- but it wasn't the final solution!  I just wish someone would COMMIT to helping me, because here I am worried that I'll randomly have this pain again on my wedding day.

So, in conclusion, please amputate my back.  I need you to.

I'm also in need of an understanding ear and a hug to listen to me complain and get rid of these tears.  Right now all I've got is Steve Carrell... he's not doing too badly with the tears part... could be better though...

There's this girl I grew up with in Alamogordo who I thought I didn't really share anything in common with.  She's gorgeous and funny and cute, and has been since at least the fifth grade.  And we were in vaguely close proximity due to our mothers both putting us through piano lessons and subsequently joining orchestra at the same time.  Everyone always loved her; I was easily not the prettiest duckling back then.

But, we grow up and we change.  I don't know this girl, really.  I always knew that she was super-religious, and that was all well and good.  But she was better at everything I tried, and for that I grew weary of her.  She never did anyone wrong that I knew of.  Just a nice girl who always did the right thing, at least as far as she interpreted it.  Now I see her online more than anyone else.  We're acquaintances on Facebook and MySpace, and it is truly strange to see into the mind of a girl I thought maybe I at least understood, even if we never really talked. 

She does have many of the qualities I would expect of someone like her; she is a sorority girl with blonde hair and big, pretty eyes, she is a conservative through and through, and perhaps I disagree with her rather extreme religious views.  And here is where she's like many people I've known, of which I become annoyed: super intro-spective to the point of whininess.  And she has a tendency to think everyone is against her.  On one hand, I want to applaud her for being a vocal popular girl who shows us what she's thinking.  On the other hand, she's just another girl blogging emo-style on MySpace.

But what really irks me and impresses me at the same time is her inspiration.  I don't understand it; perhaps I haven't quite found it.  Some people can write on and on about something when they are truly inspired.  Because of her religion and intelligence, she really can write articulately about her feelings on God and Christianity and hope.  She usually writes in a tone that may be a bit self-centered... but it always comes around to love and hope. 

So, I guess the point is this:  I don't agree with religion so much anymore, but I really respect people who feel it so deeply.  I'm proud to know people like that exist.  For those few of you who may think that I just don't get the whole religious scene, please know that I wish I could feel even a tenth of a tenth of how you feel about that about something so big.

I have my passions, but I don't think I can jump back on the bandwagon quite so readily with Christianity.  But to all of you who can pull it off, big kudos.

I have experienced many random acts of kindness in my life.

My first one I always think about is when I was three years old.  My parents took me out to get ice cream at Baskin Robbins, and I got an ice cream cone with two scoops.  I went to lick it and the top scoop fell right off onto the ground.  I cried and cried at the sight of my ice cream on the sidewalk, and a couple strangers took pity on me.  They bought me new ice cream!


In other news, I'm watching Lars and the Real Girl, finally.  I am loving it!

Also, I'm in love.